First, Me.

The past two years have been the hardest for me. Not just mentally but physically. Just when I started to feel like I was getting control over my life, everything fell apart. On my last blog, I spoke about all the changes I was making and how much growth I was experiencing, but life is funny that way- it’ll test your will. I was in a toxic relationship that was draining me. I was depressed for so long and couldn’t share that with anyone because I knew that meant I had to listen to the hard truth of what was causing it. So let me explain to you guys what a toxic relationship does to you, for those who have never experienced it.

All your energy, time, and thoughts go into that person. Obsessing over a potential you see, but that will never happen. You’re constantly trying to fix things. You drive yourself crazy with situations and scenarios you have no idea are happening. I was anxious and always nervous. I had no energy even to be a good mother because emotionally, I was tired. In reality, I don’t think any of my relationships have been healthy. I believe it is deep-rooted with all my childhood trauma and need for a type of love I so badly wanted at the time. Why can’t they love me as I do? (I later learned from therapy that people can only love you as much as they learned to love themselves.) I willingly accepted behavior I would never have. My friends watched me make a million excuses for men and situations that I would tell them to walk away from if they were in it.  I would end things, miss him, get right back and do this over and over until it became an addiction. I Already suffer from acne, but it started to become cystic.

I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Not just because of what I saw, but because I knew what was causing it. I was miserable. To add to that, Then Covid happened. Now my anxiety was spiraling. I had panic attacks at work, at home. I couldn’t catch a moment of sanity. The last time I ended the relationship for good, I decided I had enough. It was time for something different. I needed change. I disconnected from everything and everyone that would lead me back into that lifestyle I wanted so badly to leave. I got a therapist with my school who offered free services, and she recommended me to someone else who can help me further and more extensively. With the help of both of these ladies, I was able to pinpoint my issues, and I learned a lot about my actions that weren’t so great. I stopped blaming everyone else and realized I was much to blame for a lot of things. They pulled emotions out of me that I had dug deep inside and almost forgot existed. I had no idea of my triggers and why they happened. I slowly started to put myself first. Before all of this, I hated running. I didn’t understand it. It looked exhausting, but one day after work in between my therapy sessions, I needed an outlet, an escape, so I said, you know what? Let’s try it. I got dressed and went outside for a run. Something happened that day.

I ran until I couldn’t anymore. It was the best feeling in the world. From that day on, I never stopped. I started doing more things that felt good. I started thrifting again and began having fun with different looks. I journaled and created morning routines. I tapped further into my spirituality and connected with my higher self. The most important thing was that I was present for my daughter. I got creative again, started reading again, and started having fun with myself. I’m not saying that I didn’t make mistakes along the way. Who doesn’t? Some days it feels like I haven’t healed at all, but that’s all part of the process. I’ve been learning how to be patient, kind, and loving to myself even when I don’t think I’m fully deserving of it.

I’m just enjoying the ride. I’m happy with my small accomplishments and improvements within myself. I’m ready for the next chapter of my life and for growth. I love evolving. I love change. I love that I have tapped into this gentle side of myself. I love how open-minded I’ve become. Even when things don’t work out the way I imagined, I’m so proud of how I handle things with honesty and transparency. Every day is a day for the opportunity and a chance to live with intention. I am less angry and hostile—more understanding with myself. I don’t think you ever stop doing the work when you want to keep transforming into a better version of yourself, and once you start, you no longer tolerate anything that doesn’t sit right with you. I know it’s not easy walking away from things,  it’s not easy changing, especially moving on, but it’s so much better than losing yourself into things that don’t serve you. So to everyone reading this, that’s been waiting on the sign to walk away from something or someone who is draining, toxic, harmful, or simply that no longer serves you, I pray you let go. You are deserving of the life you imagined and the respect you demand. You are worthy of peace.

 I’m not a therapist or a specialist, I only speak on my experiences, but if there is one suggestion I can give to others, it is to put yourself first, love yourself the most, and above all, protect your peace. xx 

28.

They say that turning twenty-eight is one of the most important years because you’re getting into the next cycle of your life, as every seven years we change. I can already feel myself evolving so I’m certain that this year will be a bittersweet one. I figured what better time to write something to share then now. Honestly, what was supposed to be weeks turned into months and months turned into two years, and here I am. Life is funny like that, you make a plan and you think everything is going to work exactly how you envision it. However, LIFE alters that. Many times, in life, you lose yourself in the chaos. I’m not sure if I’ve found myself yet because life is a cycle. Healing is a cycle. Healing can only come from acceptance. Accepting what is, what was and most importantly understanding that you cannot control all of it. Truth is, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, I’m just following my heart, as cliché as it sounds. Everything in life that comes with growth comes with discomfort. If you’re always comfortable you are not growing. I am thankful for twenty-seven, my journey and all my losses because it has taught me valuable lessons that I won’t forget. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let yourself feel all the things, cry, scream, let it all out if necessary. Just don’t allow yourself to sulk in the stress that come with living. Do not let those moments define who you are because life never gets easier. Last year, I got into a car accident that still impacts me today. I stopped doing the things I loved, and I stayed in a toxic relationship where I completely lost sight of who I am and who I want to become. Through that turmoil, I’ve become completely humbled and can honestly say I’ve learned the true meaning of what is important and what life is about. I’m no longer concerned with anyone’s thoughts because I know myself. This year, I hope to become less apologetic. To become selfish because MY happiness comes first. I see myself transforming into a woman that welcomes everything life has to offer. A woman who is not what the world wants me to be but who I choose to be. A woman who knows her worth and understands her value. A woman who loves herself with the same love she gives to others. I’ve accepted all my scars, flaws, mistakes, and past transgressions. In accepting myself, I’ve realized the people who deserve roles in my life. I’m no longer concerned with the ones who have left because I understand now that some people are just for the season. I thank everyone for their part in my journey and I’m ready to move on. A clean slate, no resentment… only learned lessons. The notion that we’re all supposed to have it figured out at a certain age or time frame just isn’t true. We’re all exactly where we need to be. If you rush life, you aren’t living it. We should all treat ourselves with kindness, patience, and compassion. Don’t ever hold grudges because we’re all doing the very best that we can do & that alone is beautiful. I am light, I am love, I am not my mistakes and I’m ready to celebrate myself. Goodbye, Chapter 27.

Dear 28, be good to me. I’m ready. Xo

Beyond pictures

When I was young my mom wanted to put my brother and me in modeling. She took us to this agency called “the green agency” to sign us up. I was full of so much excitement that day. The lady looked at my brother and I and she told my mother there is no chance for me to be a model because of my acne. I know that she was being honest because she was friends with my mom but it broke my heart. All my dreams conceived and shattered on the same day. My brother modeled for a short period of time but he didn’t enjoy it much. I’ve dealt with acne and scars for as long as I could remember. Nonetheless, I still wanted nothing more than to be a model. I always felt like I wanted to prove to that lady that Women with acne can be models. In essence, this photo shoot meant a lot to me. Not only because the photographer is an amazing friend but above all, I felt liberated. Trust me, I am far from a model nor do I desire to be one anymore. Mainly this was fun. I said I wanted to finally get out there and do it and I did! Is it too much to send copies to the agency that told my mom I couldn’t model because of acne? Im Kidding! But in all honesty, I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I was wearing makeup, yes. but regardless, I want everyone who suffers from acne to know that you are beautiful. Love your skin and embrace your scars. Above all, follow your dreams. Don’t be afraid to let others take pictures of you, don’t be afraid of selfies. Don’t let it get in your way from all the things you desire. Excited to show you guys some pictures from the shoot!

DSC_4151

DSC_3746.JPGOne of my absolute favorites! It captures the essence of this entire photoshoot. Please do not let anything get in the way of YOU doing the things you love. No matter how many times you heard ” No” or that ” you cant.”

DSC_4070