First, Me.

The past two years have been the hardest for me. Not just mentally but physically. Just when I started to feel like I was getting control over my life, everything fell apart. On my last blog, I spoke about all the changes I was making and how much growth I was experiencing, but life is funny that way- it’ll test your will. I was in a toxic relationship that was draining me. I was depressed for so long and couldn’t share that with anyone because I knew that meant I had to listen to the hard truth of what was causing it. So let me explain to you guys what a toxic relationship does to you, for those who have never experienced it.

All your energy, time, and thoughts go into that person. Obsessing over a potential you see, but that will never happen. You’re constantly trying to fix things. You drive yourself crazy with situations and scenarios you have no idea are happening. I was anxious and always nervous. I had no energy even to be a good mother because emotionally, I was tired. In reality, I don’t think any of my relationships have been healthy. I believe it is deep-rooted with all my childhood trauma and need for a type of love I so badly wanted at the time. Why can’t they love me as I do? (I later learned from therapy that people can only love you as much as they learned to love themselves.) I willingly accepted behavior I would never have. My friends watched me make a million excuses for men and situations that I would tell them to walk away from if they were in it.  I would end things, miss him, get right back and do this over and over until it became an addiction. I Already suffer from acne, but it started to become cystic.

I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Not just because of what I saw, but because I knew what was causing it. I was miserable. To add to that, Then Covid happened. Now my anxiety was spiraling. I had panic attacks at work, at home. I couldn’t catch a moment of sanity. The last time I ended the relationship for good, I decided I had enough. It was time for something different. I needed change. I disconnected from everything and everyone that would lead me back into that lifestyle I wanted so badly to leave. I got a therapist with my school who offered free services, and she recommended me to someone else who can help me further and more extensively. With the help of both of these ladies, I was able to pinpoint my issues, and I learned a lot about my actions that weren’t so great. I stopped blaming everyone else and realized I was much to blame for a lot of things. They pulled emotions out of me that I had dug deep inside and almost forgot existed. I had no idea of my triggers and why they happened. I slowly started to put myself first. Before all of this, I hated running. I didn’t understand it. It looked exhausting, but one day after work in between my therapy sessions, I needed an outlet, an escape, so I said, you know what? Let’s try it. I got dressed and went outside for a run. Something happened that day.

I ran until I couldn’t anymore. It was the best feeling in the world. From that day on, I never stopped. I started doing more things that felt good. I started thrifting again and began having fun with different looks. I journaled and created morning routines. I tapped further into my spirituality and connected with my higher self. The most important thing was that I was present for my daughter. I got creative again, started reading again, and started having fun with myself. I’m not saying that I didn’t make mistakes along the way. Who doesn’t? Some days it feels like I haven’t healed at all, but that’s all part of the process. I’ve been learning how to be patient, kind, and loving to myself even when I don’t think I’m fully deserving of it.

I’m just enjoying the ride. I’m happy with my small accomplishments and improvements within myself. I’m ready for the next chapter of my life and for growth. I love evolving. I love change. I love that I have tapped into this gentle side of myself. I love how open-minded I’ve become. Even when things don’t work out the way I imagined, I’m so proud of how I handle things with honesty and transparency. Every day is a day for the opportunity and a chance to live with intention. I am less angry and hostile—more understanding with myself. I don’t think you ever stop doing the work when you want to keep transforming into a better version of yourself, and once you start, you no longer tolerate anything that doesn’t sit right with you. I know it’s not easy walking away from things,  it’s not easy changing, especially moving on, but it’s so much better than losing yourself into things that don’t serve you. So to everyone reading this, that’s been waiting on the sign to walk away from something or someone who is draining, toxic, harmful, or simply that no longer serves you, I pray you let go. You are deserving of the life you imagined and the respect you demand. You are worthy of peace.

 I’m not a therapist or a specialist, I only speak on my experiences, but if there is one suggestion I can give to others, it is to put yourself first, love yourself the most, and above all, protect your peace. xx